NO, NO, NO! ITS NOT..."WILBUR!"

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OFF THE WALL
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The good news is---nobody has ever added a "La" to my first name...well, not yet anyway!The BAD NEWS is: they have done every #€¥}£&X@! else to it!

How about these pronunciations: "WILFRED," "WILMER," "WILTON"---they love "Wilton." Then come more irritating ones: "MERVIN," "MERWIN," "MELTON," "MELVIN," "MILBREN," "MILBURNE," (as the Olympics got my  address labels wrong), and once a letter addressed to---"MILBURNIA"---Hey I don't look like a girl, do I?

And the"MOST-USED" WINNERS ARE: TA DUM---"WILBUR" wins, hands down, and the runner-up is "MILTON!"-

Speaking of the "girl" thing above, once during my "radio-listening" days, I wrote the KOB radio culinary expert (whom I really liked) telling him about the best hamburger meat in town---the only letter like that I ever wrote. He read  part of it on the radio, saying: "Milburn BUYS HER MEAT AT..." You get the idea!

You Bills, Toms, Eds, Bobs, Jims, Johns, et.al.---see how lucky you are!

What is the answer to this vexing problem, which over a lifetime consumes so much time, energy, and effort, correcting people you deal with---many of whom are hard of hearing  and when corrected---look puzzled and merely repeat their first error: "Oh, uh---that was"MILTON," right?"

Well, there are numerous practical solutions which don't work. You can cough and cover your mouth and mumble your name. Then when arriving at BURGER PLACE drive-up, just say: "Sack of burgers for 'Cough-Cough'." No, not very good. You can quit ordering anything by phone, local or national. You can give the wife's name. You can let it go with "WILBUR," thus conceding defeat. You can go with the early 20th century penchant (when names were scarce and imaginations must have been even scarcer), in the big families; they resorted to "initial names," like J.R., H.V., J.T., A.P., and so on.

No,I have never resorted to "M.R." Or even my middle name "Ray." But about 15 years ago, like  guys when they grow up---Johnnys change to John, Billy Bobs to Bill, Herbies to Herb, Arthurs to Art, Abercrombies to Ab--- I  decided  to use "MIL" for everyday conversation and...ordering pizza and hamburgers to go, or whatever. The problems are fewer with "Mil," though sometimes they get it "Mel," and once they couldn't find my burgers and the girl said: "Well, I'm sorry, but I can't find your burgers---the  only ones  I have here are for Bill, and he apparently ordered the same thing you did." I just said: "I'll take Bill's!"

Do you see the extent of my dilemma---having a difficult name?! Recently, while placing a phone order to a big company, I had to correct the girl three times: "It's not Wilbur, ma'am," giving her rhe correct name each time. At the end of the call, she politely said: "Your order will arrive in seven business days and thanks again, "WILBUR," for your business."

So maybe the answer is to get a good nickname. I have always wanted one anyway. How about that famous coach named "Bronco?" Wow, a great nickname, don't you think?! Or "Racehorse," "Slugger," "Highpockets," "Lefty," "Studs," "Ace," "Pork Chop," or "Ham Bone?" I"ll let you know my choice, my readers!

Maybe, having lived with this problem for 60 years plus, I can handle it for 60 more...and oh yes, there's not a thing wrong with any of the names mentioned above...it's just that they're not mine.

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BY "BRONCO!"
8/1/12